Black velvet, I do please ϟ The White Room

"Note the slightly crooked eyes of the model and how the tears correspond beautifully with her facial arrangement; the tear on the right drying and shallow as the left-handed tear is rich, full, and in bloom." A wee hipster baby attending my first house party, I remember nothing except the art on the bathroom wall; a majestic, glowing fleet of Chinese junk ships battling stormy seas against a permanent midnight. It was stunning. They are stunning. I swore if I were ever to collect anything, black velvet paintings would be it. It's a medium that suits my sensibilities precisely, both aesthetic and symbolic. It represents boldness and cheeky rebellion towards the norm. White canvas? No. Black velvet. Knowing it would never be truly accepted in the art world, it persisted, because that's not what it was going for anyway. It doesn't aim to please. It doesn't come to you, you go to it - and on Feb 23rd at The White Room, black velvet was presented to us in all its totally unironic glory. Local weirdo Jack Tieleman, along with pieces from Steve Tingle, "Steve Tingle's friend" and one by Meg Savoy, has put together a most unpretentious exhibit where everyone belongs and every painting is thoughtfully appreciated by viewer and exhibitor alike; over 20 of them in total, each with accompanying write-ups where you (or just me) are not even quite sure if it's serious or not (kind of like the art itself). The show pleased the crowd in a way no other art form is even capable of, whether or not you got the joke. Truly a unique and memorable event that is just the kind of thing this blank canvas of a space should be used for. Well done, Jack, and thank you for that.

A few excerpts Note: I forgot to take a picture of the most popular piece of the night - this huge red velvet dystopia, post-nuclear fallout landscape. I must have been too stunned. It's probably for the best since a picture wouldn't do it justice anyway. Maybe has enticed you to contact Jack for your own private showing.

Chunky - The Horse That Couldn't Cry

"A little-known fact from the world of black velvet is that there were several strict guidelines imposed by the governing body of the form, the United Black Velvet Association of America. Crying was a mandated form until 1973 when it became an option. The landmark decision overturning mandatory tears was caused by this painting. Chunky the horse was born without tear ducts and physically couldn't cry. Surrogate human criers were employed for years until the financial burden became too much for the owners. This rendering of Chunky as the first "non-crier" of the modern age as the UBVAA was forced to put realism above tears in the landmark Supreme Court ruling, Chunky vs. Tears"

"This is a classic black velvet infringement. What might appear to be the nemesis of Wile E. Coyote is really a knockoff. Everything about this painting looks legit until you delve a little deeper. The first telltale sign is the singular "beep" even the most rudimentary students of Looney Tunes will know it's actually "beep beep". say it out loud both ways and you'll agree."

"Note the trademark "lit cigar". Pancho pioneered the technique to get the cigar to look like it was actually lit. As you continue to study the black velvet form you will hear of the term "panchoes". This is precisely what it means."

"The first and most obvious is known as "light array" this is a classic case where light on the subject comes from a multitude of ridiculous angles. Notice the light on the upper right temple, right cheek, left forehead, and almost all of the left cheek which is a crazy angular light...now that you have noticed light array, it's time to study placement particular, the second BVD. Look at the space used and just how much is above Desiree. a whole third of the canvas is dedicated to nothing. One of the finest placement particulates you will find. It's rare for a painting to combine two classic black velvet foibles."

The Laugh Supper "Little is known about the laugh supper as it has remained in the shadow of a similar more somber painting. It is however known that the attendees were made up of jesters, mimics, and magicians. Although highly religious and spiritual, the followers of Ramathaimzophim, were forever having their faith challenged by their compulsion for hilarity. The image here captures both the hilarity and hi-jinx in the group as they drew straws for who was going to do the dishes. unfortunately their chosen one wasn't born with the same sense of humour and couldn't figure out why he always got the short straw. this moment captures the precise second when Rmathaimzophim gets the short straw. note the looks of the followers from "no, we shouldn't have" to "wait to see the look on his face."

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Despite the welcoming painted-on smile and huge beckoning bigger-than-life persona, Cuddles the clown was not liked. In an era where clowning was the in thing, Cuddles could not generate work, attention, or even volunteer opportunities. Cuddles is famed for being turned away at a children's hospital, a local theme park, and used car lot all in the same hour."

And if I had to choose one to hang in my room, it's gotta be Snoppy, Snoopy's Japanese brother.